Stop… in the Name of Love

I remember vividly the day I told my Mom that I was pregnant with my first child.  My Mom was overjoyed. This would be her very first grandchild and it meant the world to her. She congratulated me, and then she said something that stunned me. “Be prepared to give up at least 10 years of your life for this baby.” My first response was, “Sacrifice 10 Years?!! Um, how about me? How about my own life?”

Back then, I was approaching 30, loved my career, and had no intention of being a stay-at-home mom (although later on I did stay home for a few years and I would never trade anything for those years with my children). I know my Mom was simply telling her truth. That’s how she lives her life as a mother and wife. However, the concept of “sacrificing” ten or more years of my life was such a foreign idea to me that it shocked me, intellectually and emotionally. To me, this self-sacrifice parenting model sounds too “all or nothing.” Even as inexperienced as I was, I knew instinctively that it’s not good for my overall well-being. I remember thinking to myself, “Is this really the only way? Why can’t I have my baby, my career AND my life?”

If you know anything about Chinese culture, you know that “self-sacrifice” is highly admirable, even expected, especially for women. Men are also expected to self-sacrifice, but usually only for a higher cause, like family honor, the emperor, or their country. The bottom line is, most people avoid being perceived as selfish at all cost, and they put their own happiness and self-worth at the mercy of others.

After almost 20 years of living in the US, counseling and coaching countless people, I know that the Chinese are not the only group who think and behave in this way. The fact is, we are all more alike than different from each other.

Despite cultural differences, women are biologically hard-wired and socially conditioned to take care of everyone first, and often do so at the cost of their own well-being. Those who are moms are especially prone to self-sacrifice for their children and their spouse. It’s safe to say that most moms put their family as their top priority, and they are willing to let their own career take a backseat. It’s really a matter of personal value and choice. I never agree with the so-called mommy wars between stay-at-home moms and working moms. I’ve been a full-time working mom and a full-time stay-at-home mom myself, and I can honestly say that being a stay-at-home mom was one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever had. I believe it’s extremely important for children’s best interest to have their parents physically and emotionally available for them. There is no substitute for undivided attention, quality time and unconditional love. How you achieve this depends on your unique circumstances and your wisdom.

It’s admirable for moms to put their family first. As moms, we all sacrifice something for our children and our family. When we sacrifice our time, sleep or our career out of pure love for our family, we do it willingly and joyfully. It’s a beautiful act of love. However, many women feel that putting their family first is a duty and obligation they cannot and dare not refuse. They feel extremely guilty and shameful to take time for themselves, honor their own needs, and pursue their dreams, especially if there is a conflict with their family’s needs or expectations. On one hand, they feel unhappy and resentful for such self-sacrifice; on the other hand, they feel strongly that they have no other choice.

Every day, I see bright, beautiful, talented women sacrifice their own well-being, aspiration, passion and their dreams in the name of love. It breaks my heart. For these women, giving up their own passion and dreams often leaves such a big hole in their heart and their souls that they feel sad, torn, trapped and lost. They gradually lose their self-confidence, identity, purpose, and their true self. It’s truly tragic.

I bet you know someone like that. Perhaps you are someone like that.

When you sacrifice your own well-being or dreams for your loved ones out of obligation, or fear of being judged or rejected, chances are, you end up feeling resentful. You might try to guilt trip your spouse or children to do what you want them to do, because, after all, you have sacrificed so much for them. When they do not oblige, you feel disappointed, frustrated, sad, angry, and even more resentful. Have your parents tried to guilt trip you? Did it work? How did it make you feel? If you have been forced to do something out of guilt, you probably felt resentful too.

Resentment is toxic for any relationship. Overtime, it will poison the very relationship you want to nurture, and you end up resenting the person you sacrifice yourself for. As Malachy McCourt wrote so poignantly, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person would die.” Do you really want this poison in your family relationship?

Another thing to consider: Research has repeatedly shown that depression can be passed down from moms to their children. The alarming fact is, the cause is more than just genes. One clinical study I came across studied pairs of moms and their young children who are both depressed. They treated the moms first, and found that when a mom’s depression improved, her child improved too without treatment. That’s how powerful a mother’s behaviors and emotional well-being can affect her child!

I’d argue that moms who self-sacrifice are more prone to depression than moms who have a healthy self-image, self-confidence and live a fulfilling life. You might think you are sacrificing yourself for your children’s best interest, however, you might be unknowingly affecting their well-being. Please know that I brought this up because I care about you, not because I want to make you feel guilty or inadequate as a mom (no one can “make” you feel anything without your consent, by the way). I’ve suffered from depression before, and I know the dark abyss. If you suspect that you might be suffering from depression, please make sure that you seek professional help right away. It’s not just for your own sake, it’s for your children’s well-being as well.

Remember, your happiness counts too! Stop sacrificing your well-being in the name of love. Stop shoulding all over yourself. Stop using love as an excuse not to pursue your own dreams and live up to your highest potential. The highest level of Intensive Self-Care is self-actualization. The world needs you to express your gifts and talents, and fulfill your life purpose.

“The best inheritance you can leave your kids is an example of how to live a full and meaningful life,” wrote Dan Zadra. When you can give your children a happy and healthy mom, everybody wins. Your children are watching you and learning from your example. They need to learn how to honor their own needs, stand up for themselves, listen to their inner wisdom and pursue their dreams. What kind of example are you setting for your children? What legacy will you leave behind? That’s something worth pondering.

Action Challenge:

1. What makes you happy? What’s one thing you can do to nurture yourself this week? Give yourself permission to do that. Add it to your calendar now.

2. Read something that will inspire you and give you permission to practice Intensive Self-Care. My book Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul: 7 Keys to Nurture Yourself While Caring for Others is perfect for this. Download your sample chapters here, if you have not done so. Read the chapter “From Self-Sacrifice to Self-Love“.

3. What is the dream you have put on hold for your family? Dust it off, and tell someone about it, even if it sounds like an impossible dream to you right now. If you can’t even bring yourself to tell someone about it, tell it to yourself by writing it down. There is tremendous power in writing something down or telling someone about your goal. You are taking the first step toward making it happen.

Today – Give Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul to someone you love & receive BONUS gifts!!!

Do you feel stressed, overwhelmed, running on empty & no time for you? Then you need to do this TODAY!!

Today is the day!! I’m officially launching my book Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul: 7 Keys to Nurture Yourself While Caring for Others on Amazon.com on April 22. This is an interactive guidebook for moms, nurses, caregivers, teachers, and anyone who is taking care of others, and feeling stressed, overwhelmed, running on empty, with no time for themselves (more details about the book below).

I’m on a mission to bring my book and the message of Intensive Self-Care to one million women nurturers out there! Will you help me spread the word?

Please tell all your friends, colleagues, family, especially those who are moms, nurses, teachers, caregivers who are taking care of aging parents or special needs child, healers and anyone taking care of others. This book will help them reduce stress, create life balance, restore inner peace, and take better care of themselves (without feeling selfish or guilty).

When you buy this book TODAY April 22 on Amazon.com, you will receive dozens of BONUS gifts from 90+ leading gurus, experts & mentors. Check out all the details here:

http://www.IntensiveSelfCareBook.com

Our world is fast-paced and loaded with a tremendous volume of competing priorities and responsibilities. The need to center ourselves, catch our breath and release the stress is probably more crucial than ever. How are we to accomplish this when we are faced with the overwhelming need to make a difference in others? Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul is a definitely gentle loving breeze with a clear and strong message effortlessly delivered. When you read the ideas in this book, told in a wonderful story-telling style, it’s easy to reinforce the truth that has motivated this book: caretakers need to take care of themselves.

If you have ever felt stressed, overwhelmed, no time for you, running on empty, or feeling selfish & guilty about taking time for yourself, then this book is a must read for YOU!! This book will make a PERFECT Mother’s Day gift too!!

http://www.IntensiveSelfCareBook.com

A fourth generation medical professional, I was born a nurturer. Raised in a culture where self-sacrifice was not only expected but encouraged, I understood at a very young age that balance would be pivotal in realizing the depth of happiness I really desired for myself.

Through my 20+ years of experience in nursing, counseling, coaching, and being a mom of two, I experienced and observed the demands and stress of being responsible for someone else’s daily care, whether it’s caring for a normal family or caring for someone who is ill or disabled. I recognized that care-taking is as rewarding as it is exhausting, but far too often we sacrifice our own well-being and happiness because nobody ever showed us how to manage it all.

The consequences of neglecting your self-care could be detrimental, not only to your physical & emotional health, but also to your work, business bottom lines and your relationships. Chronic stress is linked to all major illnesses including heart attack, stroke, hypertension, diabetes and cancer.

It is time to take action and learn how to take good care of YOU, while you continue to take care of others! This book will show you how. It’s terrific, timely and pertinent to most of our lives — preventing and eliminating stress & burnout!

And, when you buy my book on Amazon.com on APRIL 22, you will receive dozens of bonus gifts from 90+ leading experts, such as Mark Victor Hansen (best-selling author of Chicken Soup for the Soul), Lisa Nichols (teacher in The Secret), Marci Shimoff (teacher in The Secret, and best-selling author of Happy for No Reason), Janet Attwood (The Passion Test), Joe Vitale (The Attractor Factor) and so many more!

http://www.IntensiveSelfCareBook.com

With amazing insights into all aspects of what it truly means to be both caretaker and nurturer, I shared in my book personal stories, practical tools and tips that are universal in their application and great for professional healthcare workers, therapists, social workers, teachers, family caregivers, moms, and anyone who is caring for others. The need for this information is far more urgent than most could ever realize.

Join me as I explores in depth caretaking concerns such as:

* Recognizing Self-Care Deficiency Syndrome and what to do about it
* How to resolve the feeling of overwhelm
* Finding joy and serenity in the present moment
* How to restore peace and calm when life is spinning out of control
* Creating life balance to avoid caregiver burnout
* How to clear out emotional clutter for lasting inner peace
* Finding peace in the face of death and grieving
* Detached involvement for caregivers

http://www.IntensiveSelfCareBook.com

This is more than a book! The self-coaching sessions following every section offer personalized action steps and build a solid foundation for a new understanding and level of caregiving. This is a book you’ll want to keep as a reference and go back to again and again.

While we all know it’s important to take care of ourselves, most of us don’t always practice what we believe to be true. We need help and we need it in a way that is easy for us to use. Just read one small but potent piece to know why you will remember the message in this book:

” Intensive Self-Care is NOT being selfish and it’s
NOT a luxury, but rather an essential practice
for your survival and overall well-being.”

I hope it resonates with your soul and brings you a sigh of relief. It is okay to re-prioritize and put yourself FIRST for a change.

This is a must read for anyone who is taking care of others and needs some tender loving care for themselves. Get this amazing book for yourself and anyone you care TODAY. It’s terrific, timely and pertinent to most of our lives — preventing and eliminating stress & burnout! And, remember, I will be there for you when the time comes!

http://www.IntensiveSelfCareBook.com

P.S. Don’t forget to buy Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul on APRIL 22. You will receive dozens of bonus gifts from 90+ leading experts.
http://www.IntensiveSelfCareBook.com

P.P.S. If you have ever felt stressed, overwhelmed, running on empty, no time for you, or feeling selfish & guilty about taking time for yourself, then this book is a must read for YOU!! This book will make a PERFECT Mother’s Day gift!!

http://www.IntensiveSelfCareBook.com

Lifelong Caregiver Leads 1.4 Million Nurturers Toward Renewed Wellness

With support from more than 90 top gurus, experts and mentors, author Hueina Su will launch her latest book, Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul: 7 Keys to Nurture Yourself While Caring for Others, to impact more than 1.4 million nurturers worldwide on April 22, 2010.

DENVILLE, NJ — April 20, 2010 — Hueina Su, The Nurturer’s Coach, is on a mission to bring the message of self-love and Intensive Self-Care to make a difference in more than one million women nurturers with her latest book, Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul: 7 Keys to Nurture Yourself While Caring for Others. The book is detailed at http://www.intensiveselfcarebook.com and is available at Amazon.com on April 22, 2010.

Su is an internationally recognized speaker and expert in helping people find the missing peace and balance in their stressful lives.  A fourth generation medical professional, Su was a born nurturer. As a former registered nurse, counselor, certified life coach and a mom of two, Su experienced and observed the demands and stress of being responsible for someone else’s daily care. She recognizes that caregiving is as rewarding as it is exhausting, but too often we sacrifice our own well-being and happiness because nobody ever showed us how to manage it all.

“My lifelong journey as a caregiver inspires me to write Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul as an interactive guidebook for all moms, caregivers, healthcare professionals and other nurturers who need tender loving care for themselves,” says Su, President and Founder of Beyond Horizon Coaching based in Denville, New Jersey.

Now, in Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul, Su explores in depth caregiver concerns:

•       Recognizing Self-Care Deficiency Syndrome and what to do about it

•       Resolve the feeling of overwhelm

•       Finding joy and serenity in the present moment

•       Restore peace and calm when life is spinning out of control

•       Creating life balance to avoid caregiver burnout

•       How to clear out emotional clutter for lasting inner peace

•       Finding peace in the face of death and grieving

The self-coaching session at the end of each chapter allows readers to deepen their learning and personalize their action steps.

Su’s book has received high praise from top experts in this subject.

“Hueina Su has written an excellent book for health care professionals, caregivers and all nurturers. As a public health care and patient advocate, I have worked with many doctors, nurses, cancer survivors and caregivers over the years. I have noticed that, all too often, we health care professionals don’t always practice what we preach. As a result, we are very prone to stress and burnout,” says Dr. Ming-der Chang, Vice President of Asian Initiatives, American Cancer Society Eastern Division.

“Hueina’s book is a timely reminder for all of us to put our own health and well-being as a top priority, while we attempt to take care of our patients and loved ones. Through her personal story and coaching exercises, Hueina offers patients and caregivers inspiration, hope as well as practical tools for better self-care, joy and fulfillment,” Chang says.

Corrie Woods, author of The Woman’s Field Guide to Exceptional Living, echoes her voice, ‘“As a recognized expert in the field of self-care for caregivers, Hueina Su writes eloquently about the need for caregivers to nurture themselves with the same commitment, passion, and soul that they nurture others. She offers practical advice, personal experience, and compelling reasons to make self-care a priority. This book is a fabulous contribution and one I will be enthusiastically sharing with my clients and colleagues.”

“The world needs more advocates for intensive self-care like Hueina!” says Renee Peterson Trudeau, author of The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal: How to Reclaim, Rejuvenate and Re-Balance Your Life. “The importance of self-nurturance is a powerful message that millions of women around the globe need to hear.”

Su is on a mission to bring the message of self-love and Intensive Self-Care to one million women nurturers. Top supporters include Dr. Joe Vitale, Mark Victor Hansen, Marci Shimoff, Terri Levine and Sallie Felton – just a few of the dozens who offer an amazing array of valuable bonus gifts with the purchase of the book.

On April 22, Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul will be available on Amazon.com, as well as marketed via newsletters, blogs, websites, social networks and book mark sites. Its release is well-timed for the upcoming Mother’s Day.

“Intensive Self-Care is NOT being selfish and it’s NOT a luxury, but rather an essential practice for your survival and overall well-being,” Su says. “This is a book that will touch the lives of all who read it, from mothers to adult children caring for an aging parent, to professional healthcare workers. This book is a must read for anyone who is stressed and overwhelmed in their caregiving roles.”

For more information about the book and special bonus gifts, visit http://www.intensiveselfcarebook.com.

About Hueina Su and Beyond Horizon Coaching

Hueina Su, MS, BSN, CEC, The Nurturer’s Coach^TM, is a renowned expert in helping people restore the missing peace and balance in their stressful lives.  Su is a professional keynote speaker, certified life coach, and author of Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul: 7 Keys to Nurture Yourself While Caring for Others. She is the creator of Rx for Balance^TM, The Coaching Oasis^TM, and Nurture and Grow Rich^TM programs.

Su is the founder and president of Beyond Horizon Coaching, a global coaching and training company, specializing in providing solutions for work-life balance, stress management, and Intensive Self-Care through personal coaching, executive coaching, teleseminars, keynote presentations, team-building training, and other wellness services.

To sign up for free stress management video e-course and learn more about Su’s coaching, keynote speaking, training services and products visit http://www.HueinaSu.com.

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Note: Hueina Su’s full bio and additional photos http://www.HueinaSu.com/media-room.

She is available for interviews and can provide a list of tips and other articles. Call 973-664-0446 or 201-572-3641or email Hueina@BeyondHorizonCoaching.com.

Contact Information:

Hueina Su

Beyond Horizon Coaching

Phone: 973-664-0446 (O), 201-572-3641 (Cell)

Email: Contact@BeyondHorizonCoaching.com

Web: www.HueinaSu.com

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