Stop… in the Name of Love
I remember vividly the day I told my Mom that I was pregnant with my first child. My Mom was overjoyed. This would be her very first grandchild and it meant the world to her. She congratulated me, and then she said something that stunned me. “Be prepared to give up at least 10 years of your life for this baby.” My first response was, “Sacrifice 10 Years?!! Um, how about me? How about my own life?”
Back then, I was approaching 30, loved my career, and had no intention of being a stay-at-home mom (although later on I did stay home for a few years and I would never trade anything for those years with my children). I know my Mom was simply telling her truth. That’s how she lives her life as a mother and wife. However, the concept of “sacrificing” ten or more years of my life was such a foreign idea to me that it shocked me, intellectually and emotionally. To me, this self-sacrifice parenting model sounds too “all or nothing.” Even as inexperienced as I was, I knew instinctively that it’s not good for my overall well-being. I remember thinking to myself, “Is this really the only way? Why can’t I have my baby, my career AND my life?”
If you know anything about Chinese culture, you know that “self-sacrifice” is highly admirable, even expected, especially for women. Men are also expected to self-sacrifice, but usually only for a higher cause, like family honor, the emperor, or their country. The bottom line is, most people avoid being perceived as selfish at all cost, and they put their own happiness and self-worth at the mercy of others.
After almost 20 years of living in the US, counseling and coaching countless people, I know that the Chinese are not the only group who think and behave in this way. The fact is, we are all more alike than different from each other.
Despite cultural differences, women are biologically hard-wired and socially conditioned to take care of everyone first, and often do so at the cost of their own well-being. Those who are moms are especially prone to self-sacrifice for their children and their spouse. It’s safe to say that most moms put their family as their top priority, and they are willing to let their own career take a backseat. It’s really a matter of personal value and choice. I never agree with the so-called mommy wars between stay-at-home moms and working moms. I’ve been a full-time working mom and a full-time stay-at-home mom myself, and I can honestly say that being a stay-at-home mom was one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever had. I believe it’s extremely important for children’s best interest to have their parents physically and emotionally available for them. There is no substitute for undivided attention, quality time and unconditional love. How you achieve this depends on your unique circumstances and your wisdom.
It’s admirable for moms to put their family first. As moms, we all sacrifice something for our children and our family. When we sacrifice our time, sleep or our career out of pure love for our family, we do it willingly and joyfully. It’s a beautiful act of love. However, many women feel that putting their family first is a duty and obligation they cannot and dare not refuse. They feel extremely guilty and shameful to take time for themselves, honor their own needs, and pursue their dreams, especially if there is a conflict with their family’s needs or expectations. On one hand, they feel unhappy and resentful for such self-sacrifice; on the other hand, they feel strongly that they have no other choice.
Every day, I see bright, beautiful, talented women sacrifice their own well-being, aspiration, passion and their dreams in the name of love. It breaks my heart. For these women, giving up their own passion and dreams often leaves such a big hole in their heart and their souls that they feel sad, torn, trapped and lost. They gradually lose their self-confidence, identity, purpose, and their true self. It’s truly tragic.
I bet you know someone like that. Perhaps you are someone like that.
When you sacrifice your own well-being or dreams for your loved ones out of obligation, or fear of being judged or rejected, chances are, you end up feeling resentful. You might try to guilt trip your spouse or children to do what you want them to do, because, after all, you have sacrificed so much for them. When they do not oblige, you feel disappointed, frustrated, sad, angry, and even more resentful. Have your parents tried to guilt trip you? Did it work? How did it make you feel? If you have been forced to do something out of guilt, you probably felt resentful too.
Resentment is toxic for any relationship. Overtime, it will poison the very relationship you want to nurture, and you end up resenting the person you sacrifice yourself for. As Malachy McCourt wrote so poignantly, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person would die.” Do you really want this poison in your family relationship?
Another thing to consider: Research has repeatedly shown that depression can be passed down from moms to their children. The alarming fact is, the cause is more than just genes. One clinical study I came across studied pairs of moms and their young children who are both depressed. They treated the moms first, and found that when a mom’s depression improved, her child improved too without treatment. That’s how powerful a mother’s behaviors and emotional well-being can affect her child!
I’d argue that moms who self-sacrifice are more prone to depression than moms who have a healthy self-image, self-confidence and live a fulfilling life. You might think you are sacrificing yourself for your children’s best interest, however, you might be unknowingly affecting their well-being. Please know that I brought this up because I care about you, not because I want to make you feel guilty or inadequate as a mom (no one can “make” you feel anything without your consent, by the way). I’ve suffered from depression before, and I know the dark abyss. If you suspect that you might be suffering from depression, please make sure that you seek professional help right away. It’s not just for your own sake, it’s for your children’s well-being as well.
Remember, your happiness counts too! Stop sacrificing your well-being in the name of love. Stop shoulding all over yourself. Stop using love as an excuse not to pursue your own dreams and live up to your highest potential. The highest level of Intensive Self-Care is self-actualization. The world needs you to express your gifts and talents, and fulfill your life purpose.
“The best inheritance you can leave your kids is an example of how to live a full and meaningful life,” wrote Dan Zadra. When you can give your children a happy and healthy mom, everybody wins. Your children are watching you and learning from your example. They need to learn how to honor their own needs, stand up for themselves, listen to their inner wisdom and pursue their dreams. What kind of example are you setting for your children? What legacy will you leave behind? That’s something worth pondering.
Action Challenge:
1. What makes you happy? What’s one thing you can do to nurture yourself this week? Give yourself permission to do that. Add it to your calendar now.
2. Read something that will inspire you and give you permission to practice Intensive Self-Care. My book Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul: 7 Keys to Nurture Yourself While Caring for Others is perfect for this. Download your sample chapters here, if you have not done so. Read the chapter “From Self-Sacrifice to Self-Love“.
3. What is the dream you have put on hold for your family? Dust it off, and tell someone about it, even if it sounds like an impossible dream to you right now. If you can’t even bring yourself to tell someone about it, tell it to yourself by writing it down. There is tremendous power in writing something down or telling someone about your goal. You are taking the first step toward making it happen.
Celebrate You: The Leading Lady of Your Show
Today is my birthday. It’s become sort of a tradition for me, to spend a day at a spa, to celebrate my birthday. This year is no exception. I’m excited about getting pampered, and spending some time alone reflecting about my life in the Quiet Room.
Before I go, I thought it’s a good fit to share with you an article I wrote a while ago, called Celebrating You: The Leading Lady of Your Show. Enjoy!
© Copyright 2007 Hueina Su
Most people think about Valentine’s Day, when they think about the month of February. It’s important to celebrate your loved ones, and love in general. However, while you are busy planning a special evening with your special someone, I would like to remind you to celebrate YOU — the most important (but often neglected) person in YOUR life.
Whenever I asked the question “Who is the most important person in your life?” My clients and workshop participants always answered “my husband/wife, my kids, my parents”, etc.
NOT ONCE has someone answered “Me” or “Myself”.
NOT ONCE.
I often joked that “If your answer is anyone but yourself, then you need to come see me ASAP!”
Think about it: What would your life be without YOU?
What would your loved ones’ life be, without a healthy, happy and vibrant YOU?
When my clients said to me “But the show must go on”, I asked “Whose show are you talking about?” I told them, “You may not realize this, but YOU are the Leading Lady of your show, the show that’s Your Life“.
Every single one of us is the Leading Lady (or Man) of our own life.
Now, let me make myself clear. This is NOT about being ego-maniac or narcissistic. It’s about self love, the greatest love of all. (Remember that Whitney Houston song? Now that I mentioned it, I bet you can’t get that song out of your head now, can ya?)
“But, ….”
I know, there’s a big BUT coming up right at this moment….
You probably have convincing reasons why you are not the most important person in your life, and why you cannot afford to put your self-care as top priority.
As a professional life coach, consultant and mother of two, over the years I’ve heard many, many legitimate reasons as well as excuses (and the limiting beliefs behind them), from my clients, my friends, and my family. I have experienced many similar challenges myself, in my previous roles as a nurse, counselor, full-time stay-at-home mom, full-time working mom, small business owner, etc. Believe me, I know. It’s not easy.
It’s especially hard when you have some limiting beliefs around the issue of self love, self esteem and self-care. You know the limiting beliefs I’m talking about — “I can’t afford it”, “I’m not worthy enough”, “I don’t deserve it”, “I must take care of everyone else first (or else)”, “If I say no, people won’t love/like me any more”, etc. etc. etc.
Does it ring a bell?
These limiting beliefs took years to form, and it will take some time and some hard work to overcome them. But, it’s not impossible. When you can break free from these limiting beliefs, you will finally be free to be your authentic self, and free to create the life you truly desire. If you need some coaching around these issues, I’d be happy to help you.
Even when you are still chained to your limiting beliefs, you can still make a conscious choice, right now, to love and accept yourself, and to treat yourself with respect and some much needed TLC.
Remember, you are the Leading Lady and director of your own show. You are in charge and fully responsible for how your show turns out to be. If your show is competing for the Academy of Life Award, which categories will it be nominated? Which awards will you win?
This Valentine’s Day, make a point to celebrate YOU, honor yourself, and give yourself the LOVE and star treatment you truly deserve.
Teleseminar: Awakening Your Soul’s Purpose on Earth with Ping Li
Discover the Secrets of living an effortless, joyful, abundant and fulfilled life!!!
Join me for a soulful conversation with Ping Li, author, speaker, vibration healer, and inner transformation expert, and the best-selling author of Awakening: Fulfilling Your Soul’s Purpose on Earth.
Ping Li, born and raised in China, came to America in her twenties, earned her master’s degree in Mathematics and had a successful corporate career as an Actuary, and built a million dollar business, but her life was still not easy, magic or deeply fulfilled. She knew something had to change within. By following her inner guidance, she started her journey of connecting with her soul, higher self and the source of the universe through the doorway of her consciousness.
Her personal extraordinary awakening experience has guided her to discover her soul’s talents and purpose and serve, spiritually seeking Authors, Speakers, Coaches, Light workers, and Healers who are ready to claim spiritual enlightened and material enriched life to release, clear, and purify energetic and cellular imprints of past memories and traumas that are not in alignment with the pure love, light, miracle, perfect and authentic being of who they are.
In this Teleseminar we will discuss:
- What’s the meaning of “Awakening”? How important it is to be awakened?
- Why it is so hard to have a life I totally love and dreamed possible?
- How to have a true peace in life?
- Why the law of attraction doesn’t work for me?
- What are some of the steps that I can take to manifest the life I deeply desire?
- Is it important to have a daily spiritual practice?
- How can I work less and accomplish more?
- And more!
Date: Wednesday, November 25th
Time: 12:00 – 1:00 pm EST (11:00 am Central, 9:00 am Pacific)
Cost: FREE!
This Teleseminar will be recorded. Even if you cannot make the live call, go ahead and sign up. You will receive the recording afterwards. Simply fill out your info below to sign up.
*We hate spam. Your info is safe with us.
After you sign up, you will receive an email from us asking you to confirm your subscription. You must click on the confirmation link in order to receive the Teleseminar call-in number.
If you can’t blend in, might as well stand out!
Is trying to fit in or measure up giving you a lot of stress? If you can’t blend in, might as well stand out!
Who Would You Be?
Halloween has just passed. Did you have fun? My son continued his tradition of making his transformers costume from scratch with his dad. This year he was Grindor, a helicopter transformer. It’s really fun watching the senior and junior engineers working together as they built the costume from idea to form. Of course, as the family historian and photographer, I took some pictures as well as videos of the creative process. This kind of memories are simply priceless.
The other day, I saw an invitation from a local Buddhist center for their Halloween gathering. Halloween and Buddhism. Hmmm, quite an interesting and unlikely combination. What intrigued me, also, was the invitation to dress up as either who you were in the past, or who you will be in the future. I thought, it would be SO fascinating to see how everyone dressed up at the gathering.
Even though I didn’t attend the gathering, I pondered what costume I would choose, if I were to attend. I didn’t want to dress up as my past self. That’s for sure. Who I was was a painfully shy, insecure young girl, who tried desperately to prove herself and her self-worth, seeking others’ love and approval at the cost of her own well-being. Who I am today is so much more joyful, confident, successful and at peace with myself. Who do I see myself to be? When I asked the question to my higher self, this image came to me.
I saw myself with HUGE angel wings, expanded, so vividly I could see the feathers moving with the breeze. In my right hand was a sword and in my left hand was a candle or some sort of healing instrument with a soft glow. The candle was to illuminate, inspire and heal. The sword was to defend and free people from the bondage of whatever held them prisoners and prevented them from being their true self.
That would be a pretty cool costume to fashion, huh?
But, seriously, when I thought about the vision, it makes total sense to me. It’s definitely aligned with my life purpose.
Now, it’s YOUR turn. Who would YOU be?
Let me know by leaving your comment here.
Vote YES for You
For those of you in the U.S. you know today is election day. I just came back from casting my vote, a new privilege I got when I became a U.S. citizen a few years ago. While I was driving home, I thought about how we use our vote to take a stand about our beliefs and values. However, I have found that, many people either consciously or unconsciously vote against themselves.
No I’m not talking about politics. Not at all.
I’m talking about your Inner Critic, limiting beliefs, negative self-image, fears of failure or success, needing others’ approval, etc. These beliefs make you feel small, unworthy, insecure, and you hold yourself back instead of expressing yourself authentically and going after your dreams.
When you buy into these beliefs, you have voted against yourself, your true self.
The first step to turning this losing battle around is to become aware. Pay attention to when you have those negative feelings and beliefs about yourself. Make a conscious choice to adopt a new belief that support you and your goals. Even if you are unable to make this change right away, at least be WILLING to be open to this possibility.
Take a stand. Vote YES for you!
If you need additional support from me, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary 20-min telephone strategy session.
